As I was resting after a guard duty in the heart of Hebron, I went to page one of this blog on my phone and began to read. I met a different me once again and followed along with his motivation and vision to serve his country. Young, naive, but idealistic and insistent. As that different me aged in the army and was catching up to the present-day me, the reflection and soul-searching had begun.
I used to read blogs about the army and the different journeys taken to fulfill the very dream I was desperate to pursue. I spoke to the authors, asked questions and learned the hard truths with often the same recurring message, “it’s the biggest mistake that you’ll never regret.” As the output of the posts on those blogs started to dwindle before finally coming to a complete stop, the disappointment was always the same. It was something I could never understand and I told myself I’d never do.
On one hand, I’m disappointed in myself looking back at the blog, that I let myself follow the same path I had previously been so against. On the other hand, it’s a perfect representation of how the army changes you and served to be a refreshing reminder for me as I was reading along. I finally understood.
I can’t hope to catch everyone up with each and every big experience since my last posts. I could write hundreds of pages about life in the army, the operations, the action, the close calls and the aftermath; I wouldn’t know where to start. Instead, this will serve as an update about our lives today and a possible farewell to the blog. Each time I write, I like to believe that I’ll never let it fall by the wayside again, but as history shows, that’s not entirely the case (something I’ll try to explain throughout this post). So instead of leaving open the journey we started with you all years ago, I’d like to do my very best to sum it up and finish it in some capacity with you all today.
For those who prefer to skip to the end, I offer a quick spoiler:
Darren was honorably discharged from the 50th Battalion of Nachal after his two year service came to a close. He served in a massive operation and continued on to finish his service exactly the way he started it, a warrior (quite an uncommon feat in the army). He has begun his life in the “real world,” and is currently residing in the States.
At the time of writing, I have 15 weeks left in my service and this tremendous chapter of my life. I served in two major operations and remain a warrior in the 202nd Battalion of the Paratroopers. I am currently participating in an army identity course, a relaxing close to my service.
Now on to the slightly more detailed summary.
It’s difficult to explain the turning points in an army service. It’s easy to remember each and every point exactly and how it changed me. I could see that I was changing, I just couldn’t understand why. The typical army drama contributes, when you realize just how different you are culturally to everyone else. The time certainly contributes, when you’re feeling down and realize just how much more still lays ahead. The combat contributes the most, the close calls and the massive realization of what it means to be a soldier and fight for a country. Explaining any of these one points specifically wouldn’t do justice. The combination of all of it certainly shifted my perspective of my past, my present, and my future.
While constantly facing such huge challenges in my service, I, like others, began to forget the reasons I came to Israel. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again: an army service is hard. Very hard. I chose to stick it out and fight, force myself to remember that I came here for an ideal that I so passionately believed in. Among the many other new immigrants facing the same dilemmas as I’m constantly navigating, my choice to keep pushing is not the common one.
There are many who choose to throw in the towel to some extent, either through leaving a combat unit, leaving the army, or leaving the country. The morals of any of those options are easy to debate. More black-and-white, though, is a soldier’s driving factor into a situation where he needs to make that very big choice.
Israel’s culture is exquisite in so many ways. There are so many things that can, and have been, said about my appreciation of the beauty that is the Israeli people. Having said that, it can also be a ruthless culture, one that chews up and spits out anyone unprepared to deal with it. Like in any rocky relationship, those who choose to stick it out can often leave a bit jaded and cynical of the situation.
The perspectives, philosophies, and beliefs were challenged and transformed over and over. With that, the desire to discuss the experience seemed to fade away and the blog suffered as a result. Once more, I offer an apology for that.
This chapter of my life has been an absolute Pandora’s Box for me, every day a brand new surprise. The challenges massive, the accomplishments mind-blowing and surprising, the relationships forged everlasting. My pursuit of a dream and following what I believed led me down a long, winding journey of self-discovery and identity.
I look back on the shimmering spots of my time in Israel with the fondest of memories. The Garin experience started my transformation, offering me a new group of friends who would ultimately become some of the best friends I’ve ever known.
I’ve been so privileged to build onto an incredible relationship with my family. Something as precious as family can often be grossly taken for granted and I feel honored to have had my eyes opened during this experience. My family are my best friends and I’m so very lucky for that.
The army’s given me the very unique privilege of looking back on experiences that were so difficult at the time, but so warm and often funny to think about now. My only tears of happiness have been shed in the army. The rest of the blood, sweat, and tears shed were the tests and obstacles that allowed me to finally answer to myself, “who am I?”
No wiser words have been said. “This is the biggest mistake that you’ll never regret.” Leaving a blessed life overseas to come start a life in the Wild West that is the Middle East is an enormous decision. Yes, it can feel like a mistake. But never for one moment have I regretted any of it.
I know what it means to be a Zionist; it’s coming through the challenges with a miraculously unfazed belief at the end. Though the relationship can be somewhat bittersweet, I believe more today in the miracle that is Israel than I did three years ago. Yes, I’ve changed and I’ve grown, but the ideals are still there. Like spouses in an old, married couple; there is a lot of bickering, a bit of resentment, but they never fall out of love for one instant.
I’d like to end this post to you all with a thank-you, the biggest yet. Looking back at the comments and the messages, from the well-wishes to the simple greetings, I often felt revived in the army at times when I needed it most. The community created here always gave me a constant sense of support and love, the most important recipes for success. I can remember so many specific points in my service where the words of friends, family, and strangers alike from all over the world helped me through.
I realize now how words of kindness should never be taken for granted. They can often change someone’s entire world.
Thank you for the support. Thank you for the love. Thank you for coming along for the ride.
